someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
