i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
