life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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