Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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