even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Found your dick twin last night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
