Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
