If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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