Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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