Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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