I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
