When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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