my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
