my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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