Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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