I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
