You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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