just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
