Screwed.edu
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
