I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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