Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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