Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
