i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
