Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
