cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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