Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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