I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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