if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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