Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
