If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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