I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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