I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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