I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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