he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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