Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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