Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
