Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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