She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
