I wish my penis had an off switch
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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