I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Randomize
