Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
