you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
