Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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