my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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