He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
