what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Randomize
