please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
