i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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