Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
