there's paper in my vomit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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