i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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