i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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