you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
