my phone needs a breathalizer
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
